yo squadmates 们 today is the day when we should all go back nanyang and dig out our time capsule! by the way, it's on campcraft plot just in case we all dont remember.

haha i figured this will help us remember the date.

Wow. It has been 2 years since I last posted something here. I guess instagram has pretty much taken over any need for use of this space; and nobody ain’t got time for lengthy reflections anymore.

But instagram feels too public for personal reflections and this place has documented my growth over the years. So it seems fitting to be back here again after this reflective weekend :)

This weekend has truly been a weekend of grace. Friday night was spent with the CG reflecting on how we should be living out the gospel in our lives. & it was then I truly felt that I really want to live a Christ-centred life. And not just to adopt christianity as a religion because it is so much more than that.

Today was Sam’s wedding and the sermon was on how everything has a time and purpose under God’s loving hands. I was reminded once again that He makes everything beautiful in its time. Thinking back, I am starting to appreciate how God has worked His way into my life and moulded me to the person I am today. I’m still a super new christian, I still don’t know God very well, I still am unable to defend the faith when people question further; but I’ve reached a point where I truly sense His presence in my life & feel that He is in control. And I’m really grateful for that.

These past 2 years have been somewhat horrible. Falling in love with jr was the best thing that happened to me; and when this relationship ended, I was really broken. (Still am, but I’ve somewhat managed to hold myself together on most days) But I do feel that God meant for jr to meet me, and to bring me closer to Him. To be v honest with myself, I only started to explore Christianity because of him. At some point of my life (probably somewhere in the previous posts), I considered myself to be an atheist. I questioned abt the existence of love. But when i was with jr, I felt alive again. I felt what it is to be loved, I felt how it is to love. At this point, I can really say that jr was / is the one guy that I fell madly madly in love with. I loved him above his flaws, I loved his flaws with him. And so because of that, I started to explore his faith. On one hand, I didn’t want “religion” to be stopping us from being together. On the other hand, I was curious about what made him him. I wondered about what made this faith so special that made him devote all his time and efforts into. So, I started going to church and question abt everything and anything. After we broke up, there was a point when I thought I really believed. Then there was a point that I started to question abt God again; questioning myself if I somehow made myself believe for jr’s sake, questioning the point of it all. (On a side track, I realised that I’m kinda like that in all my relationships; this rollercoaster of yes and no; love and dislike haha)

But anyway, to cut this long story short, it was a recent conversation with jr that I really felt God speaking to me; reminding me that He is there for me when Im ready and that He still loves me. So here I am, typing this out and looking back at His grand plan all these while. Sometime last year, I prayed that I will really believe. Not just head knowledge but to sincerely feel Him, and to have less doubts. At this point today, I feel that God has answered my prayers. So, I continue to pray that this is not just a spur-of-the-moment feeling, but that I will always look to Him and desire to grow closer to Him every day. God, grant me a new heart and continue to lead me every day in Your will.

New song of worship that Im currently addicted to: Oceans haha.

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Saviour

Everything happens for a reason. :) 

By the way sqms, 2.5 years to digging out our time capsule HAHA I've a scheduled post for that as a reminder it's supposed to be 11/6/2019. I WONDER IF IT IS STILL THERE EVEN.

Time for some yearly reflections because it is the 2nd day of 2017. Too many random thoughts on my mind now. But I love nights. Especially nights when I don't have to worry about waking up early the next day lol. I love how quiet nights are, when it feels like the whole world is asleep except for you and you are alone with your own thoughts and don't have to give a shit about the rest of the world.

Was scrolling through old posts (after deciding to blog) and suddenly had a random thought. You know how memories fade with time right..? Then when you look back on those memories and perhaps even when you try to share them with others, do you kind of make some of them up because you've forgotten some parts of how things really were? Do you then go on to believe that that was truly what happened? Does that make your past a lie? Even to yourself? :/

I really should blog more often cause my memory is really bad.

So back to 2016. I realised that I semi-blogged about it in brief the previous time. But how come I didn't mention grad trip to langkawi with cedric and friends HAHA. That was one trip that I think I had fun planning for because it was semi-chaotic and everyone was looking at different stuff and trying to fit everything in the short 3 days that we were there. But it was a great trip, partly because of the activities (sky-trekked (?!) i.e. high ropes challenge + countless ziplines, parasailing, island hopping, trying to find good food places) and mostly because of the company. We are really not the closest clique in pharm considering that 3/4 of us are sqms lol. And how we always say we'll travel / meet up but never did throughout the 4 years. We've never really talked about very personal stuff maybe because the opportunity never presented itself (?) or maybe because we were not equally close with one another. But I'll always be thankful that we had cedric lol, technically my closest pharm friend throughout these 4 years in uni (sqms aside). Now that everyone is busy with pre-reg it's kinda hard to keep track of each other's lives and we don't even have in-between lecture breaks to nua together anymore haha. But at least there are still PSS sessions I guess and hopefully our friendship will last beyond that.

Which brings me to the next topic of pre-reg. It is 6 months into pre-reg haha. Time really disappears man. It's been hell of a crazy hectic period. Couple of times of wanting to break down during work. Staying in the hospital till almost 2 am (?!) trying to settle stuff for the company's christmas party (haha priorities..). Going crayyy in the ward office trying to rush work until late at night. Countless times of ubering/ grabbing home. But I would say that things have been going pretty well thus far. Still feeling very much inadequate to handle all them responsibilities. Learning new stuff and finding out along the way that there's even more things that you don't know. Or rather that there's way too much that you don't know / are unsure about. Feeling slightly burnt out. Trying not to step on anyone's toes every day. Trying to breathe (sometimes). But very very much thankful for the friendships made during the journey. Really wouldn't have survived all those days / nights in the ward office if I was alone. :')

And then to all the other friendships that I've neglected in the past 6 months hahaha. It's really hard trying to juggle work + life haha especially at this point when pre-reg is wayyy too demanding. Idk if it's a good thing or not that everyone is also busy with work and moving on with one another's lives..? But I'm thankful for sqms who will always be a constant in my life. Thankful that we still managed to meet up once every few months to catch up with one another's lives and for the ridiculous / random conversations that sometimes take place over whatsapp. Though I still feel that we have lots to catch up with one another. I'm also thankful for the people who have seen the worst of me and still stuck by my side regardless. Thankful for chuxi who has been sharing hall / uni / travel experiences with me over the past 4 years. I really think that our friendship has come a long way HAHA. And I think 2017 might be a kind of life-changing year for you because someone is coming back heh. I really had a lot a lot a lot of reservations about it, knowing everything that has happened over the past year, knowing both sides of the stories as how they were told. But I've learnt to accept that people do change and to let go of things of the past. For now, I just wish for the people I love to be happy. Also very much thankful for certain hall friends who have shaped my life over the past 2 years. Can't be more grateful for y'all. And also my family, for getting my life in order over the past 6 months haha.

So that was 2016. The whole year literally sped by, with fyp > graduation > grad trip to langkawi then japan and korea > pre-reg. I guess it was kind of a fulfilling year? With all the significant events that happened and people that I've met along the way. Looking back on some of the older posts, I think I'm also a more contented person now? Or maybe just that I haven't really had time to myself to think about life HAHA. But I do feel a bit different from 1 year ago. I guess we do grow up after all whether we choose to or not.

3 more months to the end of pre-reg. A few weeks back I was just telling chuxi that I'm looking forward to the end of pre-reg yet feeling a bit scared about it. Pre-reg has kinda taken over my life for the past half of the year that I think I'll feel a bit lost when it ends. But I'm mini excited for the year that 2017 will bring. I guess I'll just have to find another purpose in life HAHA. Easier said than done given how I've always been living life passively. But I've been thinking about all the things that I've been wanting to do for the past few years now, like going on a solo trip, exploring new places and trying out new things, getting a diving license (though I feel that this won't happen anytime soon because it's not the highest on my to-do list anymore haha), maybe getting a driving license hmm. I'll continue to sleep on that. But yep too many things on that to-do list and I hope that at the end of 2017 I won't be blogging about how I managed to let life take over again.

Semi-recharged over the weekend going for a short trip to JB with the family hehe. Asked my bro something I've been curious about for a long time (hmm achievement unlocked? HAHA). But here's to a better me in a better year ahead (:

Suddenly thought of this space and came to revisit some of my old posts. For once I'm actually not feeling depressed when I decided to blog LOL.

人真的很善变. Read some of my old posts and some of them felt really foreign HAHA was I really the person who blogged those?! But I thought it was interesting to see how I've changed over the years, so I decided to blog on this random day 1.5 months into pre-reg.

Actually I don't have anything much to post about so I shall just update abit on my life. So apparently in the last post I was ranting about spending my days doing nothing. Actually nothing much has changed in the last sem of uni (as expected). Wanted to spend more time playing guitar but got caught up with school work; wanted to go for dance classes but got lazy and eventually decided that actually I'm not in love with dance. Though I did go for ABT classes with cong to keep fit. & tried bikram yoga with steph and cho which was actually quite fun! Ignoring the fact that I got so dizzy and had blurred vision / semi-blacked out in the steaming room JOKE.

Moving on, I had fun at grad trip in Japan with sqdms and in Korea with the b3 peeps. Had so much fun that I'm having major travel withdrawal syndrome now T-T but I was really glad that grad trip with sqms became a reality. Despite our rather different travelling styles we actually made through the trip not having any major conflicts with one another LOL. And took lots of pretty photos hehe.

Now that pre-reg has started, life is mainly work work work and study HAHA. But im still surviving I suppose. And I think things will get crazier and more stressful once I go back to NTF. But even though studying is really crayyy and annoying at times, work can get quite rewarding when you find that what you study / read about is really applicable to real patients haha. Still feeling very very much inadequate though aish there's still so much to learn. And even if there are things that we've learnt before I also can't remember them anymore T-T

But very much thankful for the people at heart centre so far hehe cause they are all so nice ^^ and it makes learning a whole lot more enjoyable and gives you more freedom to make mistakes without being too worried about repercussions. And recently getting quite close to a fellow batchmate who's going through the same rotation as me haha. Strange how friendships form in unexpected places (kinda) considering that we've 插肩而过 in the past 4 years in NUS. OKAY TIME FOR DINNER AND TMR IS NATIONAL DAY WHEE.

Hahaha hi cong I just read your blog.

This video is so cool: http://waitbutwhy.com/2014/09/genie-question.html

NEED TO GET OUT OF MY SILLY BUBBLE. I can do this :)

Hahaha just went to read some old blog posts. We used to be happier people haha. And sqms used to be closer. What happened :(

In spite of everything, you guys are still one of the most important people in my life. <3

这是成长的代价吗？如果是的话，我宁愿永远不要长大。