Oops have been more than a year since I last posted on this blog. Always wanted to come here and update this dead space a bit but always procrastinate and end up not doing anything.

Wanted to post here on the last day of 2015 to start the year right but nope. Procrastinated as usual.

Was thinking back about the year 2015 and wondering what I did in the past year. And realised that I just didn't do anything much.

Gerlissa asked me in the clinic that day about the most memorable thing that happened to me in 2015. And I replied travelling to Europe. And it is. Though I think I kinda expected it to be some life-changing event, but it wasn't really. It was a great trip, having all kinds of unfortunate things happening like almost losing my luggage, getting fined for not paying for the train ride and all. & watching the sun set and exploring new places. But then you return to the usual routine and these memories start to fade away, as though they did not really happen at all.

2015 was also the year that I spent my last sem in hall. & considering that hall was one of the best things that happened to me in uni, my final memories in hall seem really terrible and insignificant. I got caught in the cycle of doing nothing, tried to salvage a failing friendship but ended up making things worse. My greatest console was probably cho, who listened to me nights after nights trying to analyze one problem after another.

That day fy asked me to do some psych test and one of the interpretation/conclusions was that my problems are internal. And yes sadly it does seem quite accurate.

I guess it's always because I'm trying to control too many things. Even things that are out of my control. Spent hours thinking about what others are thinking rather than on my own thoughts. My recent obsession is actually someone rather unexpected. At some point in my life I thought I could walk away. Yet with some miraculous turn of events, I didn't. Actually not that miraculous, considering the circumstances. But yep many things really happened along the way. There are many times that I wanted to like clarify things that happened. Actually not really clarify la huh. Just like talk it out so that I can stop thinking about it and get some closure. But I don't even know where to start. And sometimes maybe it's better to let sleeping dogs lie. Especially when things are somewhat turning for the better.

Which brings me to that day ping was talking about regrets and all. I guess it's impossible for anyone not to have regrets. But even if we were given a second chance, who are to say that we wouldn't have made the same choices given the exact same situation?

And I digress. Yes well, back to 2015. So the last sem in hall came and went. And then there was year 4 sem 1. Somehow or rather, I got stuck in the cycle of doing nothing all over again. Even after spending a few sunsets in Europe telling myself that ok next sem will be the sem that I do this and that. But nope, nothing happened again. This time, I got the excuse of fyp I guess. To keep putting things off. But the truth is, I don't really know what I want to do.

I think I spent too much of my life trying to be the person that I think people expect me to be, that I've lost touch of who I really am. Not that there was someone there to begin with, but sometimes I really feel that I am too overly concerned with how people think of me. Which may explain why im sometimes too lazy to check my phone nowadays, because when I talk to people I get into the person whom I think people expect me to be, you know.

And now Im trying to think of the person whom I am when no one is around. And actually, there's no one left. Just someone who is watching 1001 videos/dramas to get out of her thoughts. Haha.

So that's me, the person who is trying to escape reality. Who consciously (and ended up, really) forget bad memories or memories that are too painful to think of. I really need to stop doing this, but I don't know where to start. Sometimes, I wish that I can go somewhere far away and start life all over again so that I can see who I really am, instead of being the person whom I think people expect me to be. Really need to be 100x less self conscious, 100x less insecure and start living my life.

2 more days before school starts. For the last sem of my whole uni life. I doubt anything significant is going to happen in my poor life. But just hope that things don't go too badly.

Sometimes I wonder about what happened to me as I grew up. How I became this person who simply chooses to forget, or chooses to do nothing. I don't feel like I'm leading a life anymore. Just someone who is living her days out doing all the routine things that the world expects me to. I think I've forgotten how to feel happy too, or satisfied, or accomplished. Just neutral, indifferent, miserable, depressed. Depressed > watch videos > neutral. Joke.

How ah haish. 这样也不是办法.
Somebody save me.

With the end of this post, Im going to watch a video, go to sleep, and wake up tomorrow starting my routine life of doing nothing. :(