Wow. It has been 2 years since I last posted something here. I guess instagram has pretty much taken over any need for use of this space; and nobody ain’t got time for lengthy reflections anymore.

But instagram feels too public for personal reflections and this place has documented my growth over the years. So it seems fitting to be back here again after this reflective weekend :)

This weekend has truly been a weekend of grace. Friday night was spent with the CG reflecting on how we should be living out the gospel in our lives. & it was then I truly felt that I really want to live a Christ-centred life. And not just to adopt christianity as a religion because it is so much more than that.

Today was Sam’s wedding and the sermon was on how everything has a time and purpose under God’s loving hands. I was reminded once again that He makes everything beautiful in its time. Thinking back, I am starting to appreciate how God has worked His way into my life and moulded me to the person I am today. I’m still a super new christian, I still don’t know God very well, I still am unable to defend the faith when people question further; but I’ve reached a point where I truly sense His presence in my life & feel that He is in control. And I’m really grateful for that.

These past 2 years have been somewhat horrible. Falling in love with jr was the best thing that happened to me; and when this relationship ended, I was really broken. (Still am, but I’ve somewhat managed to hold myself together on most days) But I do feel that God meant for jr to meet me, and to bring me closer to Him. To be v honest with myself, I only started to explore Christianity because of him. At some point of my life (probably somewhere in the previous posts), I considered myself to be an atheist. I questioned abt the existence of love. But when i was with jr, I felt alive again. I felt what it is to be loved, I felt how it is to love. At this point, I can really say that jr was / is the one guy that I fell madly madly in love with. I loved him above his flaws, I loved his flaws with him. And so because of that, I started to explore his faith. On one hand, I didn’t want “religion” to be stopping us from being together. On the other hand, I was curious about what made him him. I wondered about what made this faith so special that made him devote all his time and efforts into. So, I started going to church and question abt everything and anything. After we broke up, there was a point when I thought I really believed. Then there was a point that I started to question abt God again; questioning myself if I somehow made myself believe for jr’s sake, questioning the point of it all. (On a side track, I realised that I’m kinda like that in all my relationships; this rollercoaster of yes and no; love and dislike haha)

But anyway, to cut this long story short, it was a recent conversation with jr that I really felt God speaking to me; reminding me that He is there for me when Im ready and that He still loves me. So here I am, typing this out and looking back at His grand plan all these while. Sometime last year, I prayed that I will really believe. Not just head knowledge but to sincerely feel Him, and to have less doubts. At this point today, I feel that God has answered my prayers. So, I continue to pray that this is not just a spur-of-the-moment feeling, but that I will always look to Him and desire to grow closer to Him every day. God, grant me a new heart and continue to lead me every day in Your will.

New song of worship that Im currently addicted to: Oceans haha.

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Saviour

Everything happens for a reason. :)